YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT IN AN AMERICAN PUBLIC TOILET.(LIFE & LEISURE)

Byline: DAVE BARRY

When we try to name the one thing that makes America great, we are forced to conclude that the answer is ``quality of life,'' defined as ``working toilets.'' We are blessed with the finest toilet system in the world. When we go to a public place such as a shopping mall or restaurant, we know that we will find public restrooms meeting all the standards of the Federal Interstate Commode Quality Act, including:

Modern soap and paper-towel dispensers designed to conserve our planet's precious resources by always being out of soap and paper towels.

Bad words that have been written on the walls by irresponsible, reprehensible, antisocial, degenerate perverts who can be pretty funny.

A sign that says …